Be Still My Heart

I am always moving, talking, doing, cleaning, cooking, exploring - you get the picture? I am a self-proclaimed busybody. I get things done. You can count on me. I start what I finish. I mean, the best kind of mover and shaker. At least that is what I have always told myself.

Have I ever heard complaints about my inability to chill? Sure. But why take them seriously? As a matter of fact, I don't understand people who lounge around all day and relax. What is that about? There is so much to be done and I have always said, "I will rest when I'm dead.” My sister attributed a famous Army slogan to me many years ago. "I do more before 8 o'clock than most people do all day!" I thought it was a compliment.

So imagine my resistance to my therapist asking me to meditate for 30 minutes twice a week. I thought to myself, "Is she crazy?" Then, I said out loud, "Uh, that is a really long time. Do you think we could start small?" She agreed, and so my assignment was to do 15 minutes, twice a week. That was over 8 weeks ago. Guess how many times I have done it. Once. And it was painful.

My mother said I have been this way all of my life. Always talking and moving and attempting to do something. It is who I am. My husband often says, very graciously, "That is how you are wired". My daughter, Jasmine, says that I have a lot of little people that live in my head, and they are constantly telling me things. I believe they have resigned themselves to the fact that this is just who I am. What I have discovered is that who I am can always be improved upon. However COMMA this one is a real challenge.

Every time I think about attempting the exercise, my mind starts to come up with all the things I could be doing in that 15-30 minute window. All the things that I could accomplish and cross off my list.

I shared in my December blog that one of the reasons that I sought out therapy was for mental self-improvement. I am often impulsive and rash. I oft times say things that I wish I could take back. If you know me, this is where you are either nodding your head in agreement or you laughed. It's cool—I can take it. I am working on it. Or am I?

The assignment is supposed to help me be more mindful. My oldest daughter, who is the Membership Director for the Girls Scouts of America, shared that they teach their girls the same thing, but they use a different word: “Thoughtful.” That hurt.

At my core, I am an extremely considerate person. I want the legacy of my life to reflect my genuine love and appreciation for others. If my affection is overshadowed by my inability to be still and focus, then there is a conflict that needs a resolution.

So here is the real deal. This is a matter of discipline and self-control. Being able to sit quietly and not consciously go through a mental laundry list of ideas and activities is a valuable tool that I need if I plan to master my impulses. For far too long, I have treated them as if I have some amazing gift that everyone else is lacking.

The heart is the very center of our being. It commonly refers to the mind as the center of thinking and reason, but also includes the emotions, the will, and thus the whole inner being. The heart is the depository of all wisdom and the source of whatever affects speech, sight, and conduct. Proverbs 4:23 puts it like this: Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

I have to work on my heart health. And that all starts with the practice of sitting still. As I wrap up this blog, I sit here with two of the tools that I need to become proficient. A blank journal I purchased (about the same time my therapist gave me the assignment) and a made up mind.