I finally did it. It was a long time coming. And necessary. I am always grappling with spiritual and physical health, so it stands to reason that I would begin to examine my mental health.
For many, many years, I have been cognizant of the fact that I am unraveling. It has been a slow, steady, but sure descension into my very present state. Now let me rush to assure you that I am not in danger of hurting myself or someone else. Nor do I have a medical issue that has altered my perception of life. Very simply, I need to connect some dots. My words, not my therapist's.
As my hands have stopped typing, several times, and rested on the keyboard.....I can tell this will be a tricky blog. How much should you tell them? What will become uncomfortable for the reader? Let's see where this goes.
I am an avid reader. My collection of books are typically black authors telling our stories (non fiction) such as Michael Eric Dyson and biographical information about people like Al Sharpton, Aretha Franklin, and Charles M. Blow. My coffee table is also home to literary works about Steve Jobs, Barbara Walters, and Ted Kennedy. I like to know where people come from and how their environment has shaped or influenced them.
For this reason, I also enjoy documentary series that expose the background of singers and/or musicians like "Unsung" and "Behind the Music". I was watching a program about the immensely talented DeBarge family. When I learned that their white father was beating their black mother and the police looked the other way, along with the fact that that same father sexually abused many, if not all of them......let's just say, I understood why so many of them struggled with drug addiction. I had some context to go with their characters.
In the 80's, I loved buying a new album and ripping off the plastic, so I could read the liner notes and dedications. Which studio was used and stories about the location. I did the same with cd's in later years. These opportunities are rare. I think the last time I was able to enjoy this simple pleasure was when my youngest purchased Solange's "A Seat at the Table" for me. In recent years, I have downloaded or streamed music, and for obvious reasons, that makes me sad.
I love a good story and I wish I had a romantic tale about about how I reached the decision. The truth is, it was past time. It was also pivotal that a member of my family has chosen therapy at 4 different stages of her life. A close friend also shared how much it helped her. When I shared that I was toying with the idea, they were both encouraging and supportive.
Recently Michelle Obama discussed undergoing marital counseling in her book "Becoming" and on her book tour. For some, I suppose that was a stamp of approval. It appears that the stigma associated with seeking help via counseling/treatment has been lifted. People are boldly proclaiming that they drink smoothies, enjoy yoga and seek therapy. And you don't have to live in California to participate in all three.
The day I began researching costs, insurance, and therapists in my area, I was full of hope laced with a little trepidation. I had no idea what to expect and when I settled on the provider of my choice, I was at a loss when they posed the following question - "why are you seeking therapy?" Have you ever had a craving for something to eat, but you weren't sure what you wanted? I knew I wanted therapy, I wasn't sure why.
This is still new to me. This week I finished my second session. The same way that I have enjoyed learning about the childhood mishaps, educational blunders, parental covering or lack thereof, sibling rivalry, loves lost and recovered......world views, economic structure, oppression, and the household dynamics that have shaped others, I now am beginning to explore about myself.
I have already learned that there are certain defense mechanisms that I put in place when I was in the 6th grade. They might have been necessary when I was 11 years old, at a brand new school, and bullied for being overweight with crooked teeth. Operating in the same fashion 48 years later - well, it's not as beneficial.
Last night, I walked away from my blog to contemplate how I was going to end it and give my daughter a chance to check the grammar - now that she is working on her PhD, she swears I need help. One of the things I like to do in the evening is stream random, but at the same time relevant, talk shows. I stumbled upon an interview between Trevor Noah from "The Daily Show" and Charlamagne The God from "The Breakfast Club". Guess what the topic was? Yup, mental health.
Charlamagne has written a book titled "Shook One" that details how acknowledging his anxiety led him into therapy. He also deals with how mental health is viewed by the black community. More importantly, a therapist breaks down each chapter in an addendum. I'm looking forward to adding this to my collection.
As we head into 2019, we are sure to be overwhelmed by Facebook resolutions and perhaps the need for self-examination. I believe in the latter. I am committed to searching deep within in the hope that I will be the better for it. I wish the same for you.
http://www.cc.com/video-clips/99hx44/the-daily-show-with-trevor-noah-charlamagne-tha-god---combatting-the-stigma-around-mental-health-in--shook-one----extended-interview
